Mom, you might want to give this one a skip…
Erica Jong does not speak for us. She doesn’t speak for many of the families I know, and those parents that she does speak of may want to distance themselves from her vitriolic rhetoric. That said, this post is not a critique (per se) of her “Is Sex Passé” article. What I hope it will be is a wake-up call to our generation. Erica Jong was reflecting a secretly but widely held belief that many of my peers either struggle against, or become oppressed by; that sex after marriage, and more specifically sex after kids, is bound to be less steamy, less intense, less fulfilling, and less adventurous.
I, fortunately, am the antithesis of what Erica is depicting in her article. For me sex after children has been more… of everything good. But even I am dogged by the persistant awareness that that is not normal; that we are lucky. In the last week—and thanks to Erica’s article—I have been seeing that amazing, passionate, wild, earth-shattering, post-child sex is not only normal but apparently common. Many of my peers have come out publicly against Erica’s sentiments, sharing intimate glances into their own experiences. What this has shown me is that while I may well be fortunate to be in a monogamous, post-child, firey-hot relationship, I am not lucky. Luck, as with most things, doesn’t have anything to do with this. What makes my sex life awesome is what seems to be working for many of my friends and peers; deep knowledge of our partners; trust and openness (which are a breeding ground for experimentation); and love. Yup I said it, love.
That’s enough about me specifically. I constantly walk the thin line between discretion and TMI… who am I kidding, I dive headlong into TMI and backstroke home. Let’s talk about you. Chances are you are a parent if you are reading this. Chances are you have unintentionally consumed the stereotype that we breeders aren’t supposed to have, or don’t deserve hot sex anymore. You may actually have great sex on a very regular (but unscheduled) basis, but you still think boring Wednesday sex with the lights off is what most couples get (cuz “there’s nothing good on TV“). I say this because I’m an introspective, self aware kinda guy, and that’s what I subconsciously believed until I read, and got all pissed off about, Erica’s article.
So if I’ve got your attention, here’s what I propose. Let’s blow the barn doors off this myth. Let’s take back sexuality for the monogomous, or post-child, or whatever “group” you belong to that’s been blanketed by this oppressive stereotype. We can do this by talking about sex. Talk about it in your blog, talk about it on Facebook, Tweet about it, and most importantly talk, in person, to your friends about it. You don’t have to talk about your sex if that violates a confidence or your sense of propriety, but talk about it! Let your married, with children, monogomous, friends know that you believe that everyone deserves to have fulfilling, life enhancing, regular (but not scheduled, unless you’re into that) sex.
How do you broach this topic with your friends? How has sex after kids, or after marriage, or after commitment changed for you? Does sneaking around (your kids) make you feel like a teen again? Please share, even if anonymously.
Other articles on this topic:
Violet Blue’s rebuttal (yeah we read tinynibbles) NSFW
(I’ll post more as I find them)