Years ago, back when we lived in Vermont, and even later when we first moved out to California, I always knew just what to do. It was easy. I never stood at the crossroads of a big decision, I just jumped in and let the current take me. I was sensitive to it, and I could tell somehow when it was time to hop out and look around but I never thought to second guess the current of my life. This flow took me from place to place, job to job, adventure to adventure, always at precisely the right moment. As long as I kept my vision clear and my wits about me, things seemed to just work out.
I think it bugged the crap out of some people, and scared others. Some people probably thought I was unreasonably lucky and others probably thought I was reckless. I knew better. Unfortunately, somewhere along the line I started resisting it. It didn’t happen all at once, and I will never be able to tell you when I became so numb to it that I forgot it was even there, but the fact is I lost my touch. Strangely, I had enough of a sense of it that it still tugged me, but I just as often thought my way around it as heeded it.
Then two days ago, when I was really least expecting it, I just fell back in. It happened so naturally that I didn’t even notice what was happening until today. It started with an impulse. I called Emery Cove Marina to see where we stood on their live aboard list. At the moment it seemed like nothing noteworthy, a mere ticking of a check box. In retrospect I can see that it was completely outside of the norm. Victoria and I hadn’t talked about that marina in ages; I had less than no reason to expect that we would ever get live aboard status there; we don’t have a boat; and we had agreed that we would be 6-9 months before we would move aboard. There was clearly no good reason for me to call on that day but I did. As if it were all laid out in advance, we were offered live aboard status, just like that, on the spot. That slot would have gone to someone else, probably that week, had I not acted on that impulse.
So I was back in the flow, somehow, but didn’t even recognize it yet. I still didn’t recognize it the following day when I (once again impulsively) left work at lunch to jet up there to sign the paper work and seal the deal. This afternoon when I marched into my boss’ office and suggested that I go back to my old 10-4 Tuesday – Friday office hours (with the remainder telecommuting), I didn’t have the slightest doubt that it would work out, but I still didn’t realize that I was swimming in the grand current of my life again.
It wasn’t until tonight, when Victoria was going over her to-do lists, that I realized I was back into it. I heard myself saying “You don’t need to worry about a thing. This is what we are supposed to be doing…”, and it dawned on me that I had that confidence back. I have—for lack of a better word—faith that my family and I are heading in the right direction. The beautiful thing is that Victoria felt it too. Right after I finished telling her what I’ve just laid out here, I saw a peace come over her. I’m not sure, but I suspect she remembers the feeling of being swept away in our life’s current as well.